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Fathers Day - One More Time

Toronto (June 16, 2008) -- Yes, I am late for Fathers Day; this was the weekend of the 24 Hours of Le Mans and I had a very busy weekend keeping everyone updated on what was going on (and just as an aside, Peugeot people, you ought to know by now never to get into a scrap with Germans.  Nyah).  But I did call my Daddy yesterday to wish him Happy Fathers Day and I am very glad he is with us to celebrate one more time.  His health is precarious and its day to day with us.  We are grateful for all we get.
 
Daddy is an old fashioned guy and if it were true that "women look for men like their father to marry" its no wonder I have remained single.  Daddy grew up with 8 brothers and 3 sisters on a Depression-era farm in Wisconsin and apparently his father excelled only in alcoholism and flim-flam.  He learned young that it was part of his responsibility to look after his mother, and he kept looking after her even after she stole most of the allotment money he sent home for her to bank in his name, and used it to give one of his sisters a big wedding.  He and Mama married young and this year celebrated their 62nd anniversary.  Despite years of hard work at blue-collar jobs (stock car racing, followed by milk inspector, which required him to be away from home during the times when we were home and/or awake) he found time to educate himself on a variety of topics as he could not finish school due to the Depression and World War II.  When we were kiddies, til I was 8 years old, we travelled to whatever dirt track or fairground Daddy was racing at in a particular weekend, and we knew we were going when he arrived on Friday afternoon and announced "Pack the car, Ma, we are going to--" wherever there was racing that weekend.  Mama would start out by protesting that we could not just pack up and go at the drop of a hat, but within an hour she was packing and getting us ready to go.  We learned a lot from travelling around like that.  Two things we learned very young: eat what you are given and say Thank You; and sleep where you are told to sleep when you are told to sleep.  Oh, and when Mama says sit right there and don't move, you sit right there and don't move.  "Watch out for race cars," she repeated over and over. "They will NOT WATCH OUT FOR YOU."  We grew up applying that to any number of perils that also do not look out for us. (Although in later years I have nearly been run over by race cars three separate times, that was my own stupid fault.)
 
Daddy read stories to us just the way Peter Falk read "The Princess Bride" to his grandson.  The stories were never as interesting when we read them for ourselves.  Although Daddy's spelling is still mainly guesswork, he can write good prose and memorable stories; and he can still recite poetry that he had to learn from the McGuffy Readers for Friday Recitation in the two room prairie schoolhouse he attended until Grade 8.  I was in Grade 8 Latin before I found out what "since Hector was a Pup" actually meant.
 
But the most important story about Daddy I have to tell, and his favourite, is about his teaching me to drive.
 
Daddy had bought a 1964 Ford Galaxie 500 XL that was one of six cars made as "production models" to be turned into NA$CARs, back in the day when they raced Real Cars over there.  He got it by threatening to expose the fact that these cars were not being sold to "the public" which would invalidate their fitness for NA$CAR.  This is the car he drove 185 mph on a timed quarter mile, and this is the car he used to teach me to drive.  I was 17 years old at the time, and Daddy was my idol; what he told me about driving was therefore the revealed word, and I had no idea that what he was teaching me was in fact stock car racing. 
 
So the day came when I took the Yellow Peril down to the examiner's station for my driving test.  Let the record show that although I committed numerous egregious non-manual driving sins, I did not hit anybody or anything, and I performed the requested procedures flawlessly although not 'by the book' unless you were talking about a book written by Junior Johnson.  The final nail that closed the door to my driving license until I turned 25 and took the test on an old Studebaker Lark VI in car-mad California on a day when almost all the examiners were home with the flu, was when we were heading for the examination station and the examiner told me to turn right when we were past the apex of the turn.  I turned right with a dazzling handbrake turn that left a fan of rubber as a souvenier, telling the examiner in a teenaged pout, "You need to tell me sooner when you want me to turn!"  Daddy was laughing himself into hysterics as we approached the station.  I could see him.  The examiner got out of the car, resisted the urge to kiss the tarmac, and said to Daddy, "Do not bring that car -- OR HER -- back here ever again."
 
Mama was not at all amused, as she had counted on my being able to drive so I could take over some of the duties inherent in getting five girls back and forth to school events and such.  Daddy told her not to be such a party pooper, and still loves to tell everybody about how he snookered the examiner on that day.  And that was what gave me the taste for car racing that has stuck with me ever since, especially touring car racing where the Tarmac is Only A Suggestion.
 
Daddy has many redeeming qualities, including his willingness to stick to a task once he has taken it on, and his early assertion that the only things girls could not do just as well as boys were play pro football and father children.  But it was, and remains, his willingness to seize any occasion and any vehicle to play a practical joke on Authority, and his zest for life, that made me what I am today...and thus I assert, as I wish Daddy yet another Happy Fathers Day, that I will marry on the day when I meet a man who is more of a man than I am.
 
And who has a sense of humour that would, after he told them they ought to know better by now, even in car racing, than to go up against the Germans, expect the French to laugh.
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Oh Lord I Sound Like Mama

Toronto (May 21, 2008) -- One of my favourite lines in the misunderstood movie "The Big Chill" is spoken by the Glenn Close character, into the telephone, to her young daughter: "Well when YOU get to be a mother, YOU can be mean too!" whereupon she hangs up, lights up a cigarette (it was the 80s) and mutters, "Sometimes I can't believe the things I hear myself saying."
 
Think about it.  All the years when you were growing up, did you not vow and swear never to be as unenlightened, mean, evil, nasty, cruel, and bossy as your Mama?  Did you ever mutter to yourself, "When I have my own kids, I will NEVER make them spend a whole Saturday morning cleaning up their rooms!" or "I will allow them to raise white mice in their dresser drawers" or whatever awful thing your Mama had just handed down?  And most of all, did you swear to yourself that you would never under any circumstances say "Because I, your Mama, said so"?  or "You are Not Going Out Of Here Dressed Like THAT"?
 
And whatever you said to your as yet fictional children, you would keep your voice as sweet, kind and loving as Barbara Billingsly speaking to The Beav?
 
Confess: exactly how long did this vow last past the day your firstborn became ambulatory?
 
For me it was never an issue; although I objected to Mama's 'bossy' manner of expressing herself, I was the oldest of five and had found that her methods actually worked pretty well, at least on my well trained sisters.  However, the two youngest were adamant that they were not going to follow the path of least resistance; they were going to reason with their children, speak softly to them, and allow them to do pretty much anything they wanted to do.
 
Sister No. 4 abandoned this method when her son was 3 years old.  In fact, she abandoned it when she had spoken sweetly to him on a street corner, "Now hold Mommy's hand and wait--" and seen Junior give her that Kid Look and dart out into traffic.  "Before I knew it," she confessed, "I was out there, had him back on the curb, and was paddling his little fanny."  The usefulness of that Mom Voice that says one more step and you are dead meat was proved.
 
Sister No. 5 saw the light at her child's fourth birthday party, when said child and two partygoers locked themselves in the child's bedroom.  The mother of one of the children in the room stood wringing her hands and proposing that they get tools and remove the door.  Sis stepped up to the door and in the Mom Voice ordered, "Unlock that door this minute."  The door was unlocked and opened almost before the words had died away.  I was there at the time, and Sis turned to me and said, "Now I know why Mama used that tone of voice.  Because it works."
 
Gradually the other Mom Answers crept into our vocabularies.  "Well, if everybody else had warts, I bet you'd want those too."  "Well if everybody else holds hands and jumps off the George Washington Bridge, I guess you'll go right over the edge with them."  And of course the classic, "Well I am not everybody else's mother.  I am YOUR mother. And I. SAID. NO."
 
My youngest boy told me once that some day when he grew up he was going on Oprah and tell the world what a mean, evil mother he had.  "Let me know when you'll be on," I replied. "I'll want to phone all my friends."  As I recall, he stood there with his mouth open for a minute, then muttered, "I can't stand it.  I just can't stand it." as he walked away.
 
Think about it tonight as you put the kids to bed, or if yours like mine are grown and gone, about the days gone by when you suddenly heard your Mama's voice coming from between your lips.  Did you stop and say to yourself, "Oh, Lord, I sound just like Mama!" and did you call your Mama and confess?  If not, you should.  Trust me, she'll understand and the two of you will have a good laugh about it.
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Sisters

Toronto (May 20, 2008) -- In a fit of pique or perhaps of candour, Mama once admitted that she had only planned to have two children: my next sister and me, both born in February, two years and one week apart.  The two younger kids, both born in October, 4 years and 1 day apart, were surprises.  As children will, we seized on this interesting fact for a couple of days, as we all recall more or less, and made rather a big deal out of it before Mama put her foot down and stopped the rumpus with her patented, trademarked *That is ENOUGH.*  At all other times that I can remember, we simply moved over for the next sister to arrive, thinking nothing about how many of us there were.  (We did envy our neighbour, who was the only girl in a family of six, but that was mainly because she had her own bedroom.)  In fact, when Daddys oldest sister, whose caboose daughter arrived when Auntie was 45 and thought she was safely past *all that*, having brought up and sent into the world three much older children, my 20 year old mother made room for one more, saying that Linda and I could be twins.  Our house was never very large and our bedrooms were tiny, but in those days bedrooms were where we slept and changd clothes and it did not matter how we were stacked at times like those.
 
Although there were times that I was totally fed up with the swarm of sisters constantly under foot -- I know that I declared more than once that Little Orphan Annie never knew how well off she was, and Linda and I used to imagine that our real parents, gypsies who played the violin and danced, would return for us one day in a red and gold caravan pulled by black horses -- they frequently came in handy.  For one thing, there was always somebody to button you up, and if you could not braid your own hair, somebody else would do it.  Because four of us were within five years in age, there were always two teams for Chinese Checkers, Snakes and Ladders, Go to the Head of the Class, Game of the States, or dominos on a rainy day.  If you had trouble with your school work, there was somebody to help you; if you had to practice reading aloud, there was an audience. With five girls available to do the chores, nobody got stuck permanently with the work that nobody liked; on snowy days it was less trouble to get the driveway cleared and take the dog for a walk.
 
Our famly travelled a lot, at first because Daddy raced, and later because most of his brothers and sisters settled within thre or four hours of us, and of course we would drive to Alabama to visit our Southern Granny and play with a whole other set of cousins, drink Coca Cola and iced tea (which we did not have at home) and spend a week at Pensacola Beach in the huge, rambling family *cabin* with a Mothers Helper to look after us.  Those were the days before seat belts, so a large mattress was placed in the back seat and we piled in, with an armload of books, a pack of Uno cards, the picnic basket and crayons and paper.  There was no talking allowed in the car except if there was blood or your sister fell out of the car; but on the other hand, we could take turns (as long as we still fit) lying in the back window  and making fish faces at following cars.  In the early days we stayed in Tourist Courts, which were frequently cabins; one such place where we stopped every Easter vacation was run by a Mrs. Cassidy, who was likely mystified by our reverent and worshipful behaviour toward her.  We were, you see, told by our Daddy that she was Hopalong Cassidys mother.... When we got older we stayed in motels with pools and teevee, and those vibrating beds where you could have a thrill for a quarter; we girls had our own room and considered ourselves in paradise thereby.  (I will tell you about the Hot Rod Days on Fathers Day.  Then we lived in a homemade trailer called Crestfallen Manor.)   One year we drove home in two cars; our uncle had become dissatisfied with his De Soto and said that anyone who wanted to drive it away could have it, so Mama drove it back from Alabama with three girls in it, and Linda and I rode with Daddy in the Yellow Peril, a 1964 Ford Galaxie XL500 built as a NA$CAR homologue and faster than anybody elses father had.  The other girls got to play with the Town and Country bar on the radio; we got to hear Daddy tell stories -- about Chief Falling Rocks who wandered the hills looking for his lost love (hence the signs reading Watch For Falling Rocks), about the Kingdom of Nosmo King (prompted by the sight of a No Smoking sign) where everything was forbidden except poking your nose in other peoples business), about Baron Von Geiger who lived in a mansion at the top of a mountain (in reality a hotel), and about his childhood on a prairie farm with 9 brothers and 2 sisters where they went to school in a sleigh. 
 
We were all glad to leave home and into our own sisterless orbits, some to further education and others to marriage; but we all found that our lives were easier because we had grown up in a crowd.  My first collge roommate was an only child, who did not know how to make  bed, do a load of laundry, cook dinner on the bottom of a popcorn popper, or make gum wrapper chains.  My next roommate could not sing harmony or read morse code or American Sign Language but she knew them all before the end of the first semester; when you grow up with only a brother, you have nobody to teach you these things.  (For her part she taught me to speak Shakespeare as he should be spoke, and her Spanish was better than mine.)  We scattered around the country and pursued our own dreams -- multiple marriages and children, motocross, home ownership, travel, boat racing, skating lessons, Hollywood stunt work, nursing, engineering, quilting, racing, you name it.  But as we got older we began once again to gather together and revisit all the old jokes, songs, stories and memories (sometimes startling people, and I admit it).  Now that we are all over 50, our kids grown up and on their own and our parents needing us daily if not hourly, we all admit that we are glad there are five of us to share the burdens as well as the old jokes and stories.  Perhaps some day we will all write our memoirs.  Until we do, its fun to have someone to remind us of all the reasons that in the long run the more there are, the merrier.
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Mama and Mothers Day

MAY 6, 2008  -- When we were kiddies we used always to ask Mama what she would like from us for Mothers Day. Invariably she would snap *Peace and Quiet!* whereupon we would drop the subject and pick up whatever seemed likely to please her, plus a nice card each, a practice not easily managed on 25 cents a week.  One year we took her at her word and for the day we not only brought no gifts but we decamped for the day to the home of our best friends the Gullas and left her strictly alone.  Needless to say, this proved to be the last thing in the world she wanted, and when we got home and asked her how she had enjoyed the peace and quiet, she said we were a bunch of smartalecks.  (My parents did not swear in our presence until we were sophomores in university or married.)  But from then on our queries got much more reasonable responses.
 
Mama was a remarkable woman and at age 80 she still is, although we did not realize how remarkable until we were old enough to be mothers ourselves.  She was married at 18, shortly after Daddy came home from World War II, and had me at age 20.  She was next-to-youngest of a family of 8 and, the South being considerably different in thos days, Mama Long engaged a devoted Black nanny for her and her youngest sister Martha Rose, so she knew nothing about either birthing or looking after babies.  (She once told me that her mothers sole advice regarding the birds and bees was *eat a good breakfast on your wedding day.  You will need it.*)  Nevertheless, by the time she was 30 she had four girls of her own and a foster child, the caboose daughter of Daddys oldest sister, who was the same age as me.  Until I was 8, she ran the household on what Daddy could win on the quarter-mile dirt tracks racing stock cars.  My earliest memories are of trundling through darkened countrysides in the back of the turquoise blue Henry J that pulled our homemade trailer, following the tail lights of Daddys green Kaiser Virginian pulling the trailer with the stock car aboard.  That story is one for Fathers Day; I will only say that Mama managed three small children in a dirt paddock with speeding cars on every side with calm and decision.  We also took many trips between our home and the home of our Southern Granny; we spent Easter vacation with her and not only enjoyed the trip -- down Route 6 to the Pennsylvania Turnpike, then to 11E past various landmarks (the Apple in Virginia, Pedroville in South Carolina, a mountainside mansion Daddy called the castle of Baron Von Geiger, a town in Tennessee named Sweetwater Junction that had a positively reeking paper mill, the Rock City birdhouses...) and the stories Daddy told, but also the chance to drink Coca-Cola which we did not have at home, to curtsey and say Yes Mam and No Mam, and to play with our Southern cousins.  Mama managed these trips by forbidding conversation in the car which was stocked with books, and with the same force and effect she used in the presence of speeding stock cars.  We were known to be exceptionally well behaved and tidy children with very good vocabularies.  Mama had not graduated from high school, but she had educated herself and she insisted on good grammar and good manners, with a Mom Voice that no one dared disobey.
 
Mama was equal to anything, from an irate Mrs. Wheeling presenting her dripping daughter and demanding why Linda and I had once again pushed her off the boat dock, to my bout of pernicious anemia that left me bedridden for an entire summer, to Daddys passion for sudden trips to visit his many brothers and sisters or to Vermont or simply to Pennsylvania for ice cream cones.  She made sure we knew the value of money and what our lives would be like if we did not work hard in school; as soon as we were old enough for working papers, we had them and our summers were spent in factory work.  The money earned was to be spent on our personal needs -- eyeglasses, dentistry, stockings, school uniforms and any extras the Sisters might require.  By the time we were old enough to attend university we knew how to save money as well as how to keep house, mind children and our manners, respect authority and drive.  (Okay, I had no driving license because Daddy taught me to drive on a car that had been built for NA$CAR and I terrified the examiner who probably dined out on the story for years.  But I did know how to drive.)  I had been through a year of charm school at John Robert Powers although I was not charming and thank God the Sixties came along before I had to deal with any debutante nonsense. I did not date because I was one of the boys, and I was a perpetual disappointment to Mama although I was a very good baritone sax player and a nice voice for chamber music.
 
But through it all, Mama coped with whatever life threw at her.  She evacuated us from Hurricane Hazel in a motorboat (*Sit still, hold your sisters hand and say your prayers* she told us as we drifted away from our flooded house, and we did, as always, just what she said.)  She nursed us through measles, chicken pox, flu, trichinosis, and other childhood illnesses that meant we had to be quarantined.  She created good meals out of whatever she had, and she never said even once that we were poor and could not afford things; she just said No, and that was enough. We had nice holidays, we got adequate Christmas gifts and we had masses of cousins (38 first cousins alone) so we were never bored.
 
And now that Mama is 80, she can be very proud of what she has wrought.  She has brought up 5 girls in the Sixties and not one of us were ever arrested, pregnant or drug users; my sisters have all married at least once and we have produced grand children and great-grandchildren in abundance, all of them intelligent and well behaved and mature and not in any kind of trouble.  Mama got her GED at the age of 50 with the second highest score in Alabama history, and when she expressed shock, Daddy reminded her that she had smart kids and where did she think they got their brains.  She took us to church and backed us against any foes except Sister at school, who was her ally in keeping us and the Sixties firmly separate, and on one memorable occasion she talked Daddy into not locking the door against Santa.
 
So on this her 60th Mothers Day, I salute my Mama for not only her heroic duty not only around the house but in the factory and behind the wheel, and I wish to state for the record that I get it.  And I do not for the life of me know how she managed.
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Peace, Be Still

TORONTO (May 5, 2008) -- I wonder if anybody even knows anymore how to be quiet.
 
May is not a good month for quiet at our church, as it's the month when the kiddies make their First Communion.  The kiddies are beautifully dressed as little brides and grooms (better than a lot of same, actually, as there are neither plunging necklines nor slit skirts to be seen) and beautifully and solemnly behaved.  It's the families that cannot sit still and be quiet.  Yes, I know a lot of these families haven't been inside a church since their own First Communion or possibly since their baptisms, but hey, everybody knows that when you come to church, you sit quietly and pay close attention.
 
Um, no, actually it seems they don't.  The entire row in front of me was taken up by an Italian family (three boys, teenaged girl, three adult women, one man who was apparently there in the role of photographer) whose voices grew louder and louder as the time for mass approached, until finally they were so loud that the church bells were completely drowned out.  That was when I asked if they could possibly please be quieter.  They dropped it enough so that the ring tones from two rows back could now be heard, which wasn't much improvement.
 
What happened to the whole notion of sitting quietly in church and contemplating the Divine Mysteries?  For that matter, what happened to the idea of considering that other people (Whaat?  There are other people in here????) might have come to church to pray, and staying outside until the mass began if you came to exchange recipes, talk over last night's hockey game, and get in a fight with your sister?
 
Thank God we have a priest from Newark who is plain spoken and firm, who took five minutes before the homily to tell these people not to take photographs during mass and for Heaven's Sake not to come up to the altar and take pictures and rearrange their darlings into a more photogenic group.  (Several men left at this point, their usefulness and interest in the proceedings ended.)  Photo ops would be staged after Mass, and then anything would be fine.  But absolutely no behaving as if you were at a football match while others were trying to pray.
 
It is a darned shame that people over the age of 8 should have to be told this in the first place; it is even sorrier that once they have been told to be quiet by an authority figure, they continue to yammer on and on, and allow their kids to punctuate the prayer of the church with constant staccato "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom" so desperate are they to go stand out in the hall and get started on the cookies that even the Eucharist can't command their attention and if they're not happy, why should anybody else be?
 
Oh, I can't blame the kids so much; obviously their parents cannot shut up for a nanosecond and where were the kids supposed to learn?
 
I'm just making a plea that the next time you are in a venue where your own Mama would have told you to be quiet, think of Jesus speaking to the storm rocking their boat.  "Peace," he said. "Be still."  Could you stop talking long enough to see if He might be saying the same thing to you?
 
 
 
 
 
 
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The Pope, The Church, and the Train to New York

TORONTO, April 22, 2008 -- His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has come and gone from North America in 6 days and is no doubt happy to have the seventh day to rest up.  Pope Benedict turned 81 on this trip, about 6 months older than my Mama although in much more vigorous health from what I noted.
 
I watched almost every one of his public events on EWTN for the most part, so as to avoid the leftie blabber on CNN and the Networks and the relentless chattering on the more reverent otherwise Fox News Channel.  I think even EWTN was surprised at the enthusiasm and welcome afforded the Holy Father (called with typical American irreverence Shepherd One) at every venue where he might be expected to show a glimpse of his face.  True, he was surrounded by more Muscle than the average rock star, and usually rode from here to there in his customized Mercedes *Popemobile* which looked like the cab of a tractor and made him visible without making him vulnerable.  A good many Catholic prayers were raised for his safety during those 6 days.  One would have hated to have some American or Muslim on a Mission From God (so called) get close enough to do him a mischief. Still, it also made him rather hard to experience for the average Joe and Joanne in the street.
 
There was very little carping and whining among the press, once he had arrived, which surprised me. Before he landed in DC, to be met personally by President and Mrs.Bush -- both very reverent and respectful, and thank God he was spared the awkwardness of a President Kerry -- a putative Catholic in a state of mortal sin that he knowingly,willingly and defiantly hangs onto -- the Press wittered on and on and on about the Sex Abuse Scandal (lefties discovered their wee-wees in 1964 and have never managed to drop the subject since then) and such irrelevancies as homosexuality and the ordination of women and how the Church *had* to Get With The Modern Program or the Left would boo him off the stage.  Once he had arrived and it was manifestly clear, as it would have been in the Sixties id we had been possessed of the Internet and Digital Cable, that the kickers and screamers were a very tiny minority of fringe folk made conspicuous by their lung power and the loving attention they got from the Press.  As anyone who was not trapped in a bubble of people exactly like themselves was aware, 85% of America is still Christian and 95% of those are still devoted to the power and authority of true faith -- and openly or secretly of an authority figure who Stands Firm.  Those of us who were brought up by parents who WERE parents and not would-be Best Friends, and who in turn were able to say BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO in what has come to be known as The Mom Voice, learned as children and from experience that most kicking and screaming is only a test of the boundaries, to see how far the rope will stretch before it snaps back in our face.  I was fortunate to have a Mama who could look me in the eye and emphasize *I.  Said.  NO.* without raising her voice, and in my wisdom to replicate that voice so that when I said STOP in the Mom Voice, both kids would halt in mid-stride, mid-breath, mid-protest and drop the subject.  His Holiness has that voice down pat.  Although his words were kindly and filled with the love of God, the tone said that there was no flexibility, no *dialogue*,no compromise and no nonsense.  There will be no women priests, there will be no accommodation to homosexuality (and after the famous Sex Abuse Scandal, which was almost totally due to the Sixties idiocy of insisting that homosexuals viewed sex in the same way as heterosexuals do, despite AIDS and bath-houses and gay bars and 20 years of *free love*) and above all else there will never be accomodation to abortion. 
 
I was converted to Catholicism fairly recently, after a lifetime of Protestant churches founded on shifting sands and the winds of Whats Happening Now.  Most recently I reluctantly but disgustedly left the Anglican church, which had deposed Christ from the altar and put in His place the male sex organ about which they obsessed and chattered day and night to the exclusion of everything else (save perhaps socialism, anti-American political rants, and guitars.)   I studied the Catechism and asked a lot of questions and queried my teachers and priests, with the view that before I boarded the train I wanted to make sure the destination was where I wanted to go.  And I decided that it was. 
 
To my mind the people shouting at His Holiness that the Church *needs to change* are like people who get on the train in full knowledge that it is headed for New York, and then spend the journey shouting that old chant: WHADDAWEWANT? TO GO TO CHICAGO!  WENDAWEWANNIT?  NOOOWWWWWWW! 

His Holiness spent six days in America reiterating that this train was going to New York, and anybody who wanted to go to Chicago had only two choices: go to New York or get off the train.
 
In a world that changes, shifts and dissolves every few days, and where people wake in dread every day of what may happen to shake their very being before nightfall, a man like Pope Benedict XVI who knows where the train is going and refuses to be turned aside is exactly what North America had in mind.  As the old Baptist Bible School song said, we will *cling to the Old Rugged Cross* as a refuge against the stormy blast (or Presidential Primaries) and this week that personification of the Cross was a reminder that some things are still eternal. 
 
In a world where we are frequently told that all we have is the moment and what we can grab and hold, it was wonderful to have a man come among us to remind us that this is not true.  The change may not be apparent right away, but hearts were strengthened and minds were opened and we will look some day and say this week past was where the tide finally turned.
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One Man and His Hissy Fit

Toronto (March 7, 2008) -- Since  this is my blog and I hate Tony George, I write today to excoriate the man who almost single handedly destroyed open wheel racing this month.  Four races that I planned to attend this year have been cancelled willy-nillly, as a bunch of boys who bought the Champ Car World Series five years ago -- clearly as a tax write-off, as they did little or nothing to make a going concern of it -- have now dumped it into the hands who has been busy for the past 13 years trying single handedly to kill Champ Cars because thy would not let him be Bernie Ecclestone in America. Well now he has his wish.  He has destroyed open wheel racing and now he reigns over the ruins.   He has angered former fans,  owners of teams who bought cars and equipment that turned overnight to scrap, alienated cities internationally who had contracts to run motor races this year including Houston where he has also alienated ALMS fans whose race was shot out from under them, and he has put millions of people out of work.  All because he could not stand the thought of competition.  Nobody in our former series is rushing to join his 1995 era series of ugly snorting cars in which 85% of the drivers suffer injuries requiring hospitalization, running around in a pack on an oval -- like watching marbles swirl down the drain -- and who visit such meccas as Iowa and Kansas to perform in front of their friends and any street people who will take a free ticket and sit upright in a seat. 
 
Toronto, where certain classes of Greenies have ben trying to get rid of the single biggest money maker in the Province of Ontario because after all they moved to the biggest city in Canada for peace and silence (these are the people would literally prefer to die rather than allow the cops to have helicopters to chase home invaders -- too noisy!)  will lose something like $50 million this year because the Roar by the Shore will be no more.  Wait until these crying greenies realize amount of tax revenue this $50 million used to generate that will not be available for their pet projects this year.  Wait until they discover that the millions of dollars that the CARACharities of Champ Car wives raised for local charities will not be forthcoming -- ever again.  Tony George cares nothing at all for charity.  He wants Power. and he needs his money to prop up his house of cards.  Heck, even the charitable contributions of individual teams such as Chili Pepper Racing, which donated a sizeable amount of baby clothing (expensive, brand new items too), team swag and free racing tickets to a local drop in centre, will not be giving the kids any hope this year.  Friends will not gather here, Canadian drivers will not be cheered here or anywhere else (Paul Tracy will not even drive this year save in the farewell race at Long Beach).  Although Canadian races made up 35% of the open wheel fans in the past 12 years, we have been shoved out the door and told we have the choice of attending the Tony Go Round or --- well, the OR part is what Tony George forgot about. 
 
Millions of us are going to watch beautiful cars in American Le Mans.  Others are returning to Formula One now that it is totally without Schumachers.  Others have turned to World Rally, A1GP,  Atlantics (which stood alone for many years before Champ Cars) and European series. 
 
But the one thing that we are not doing is dropping a dime for Tony George.
 
Happy trails to you, Tony.  Get somebody to read you the poem Ozymandius espcially the last two lines.  King of nothing but the desert. Enjoy.  Alone.
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You'll Get Yours

TORONTO (February 21, 2008) -- Back in the days before universal refrigeration, the farmers used to say "The rich people have their ice in the summer and the poor have theirs in the winter!"  While this was meant as a wry joke, it contained a kernel of truth in that assumption that sooner or later, you'd get yours
 
The scripture of the day today is that of the Rich Man (Dives) and the Poor Man (Lazarus, not to be confused with the Lazarus who rose from the dead, or Lazarus Long, for that matter).  Dives is described as enjoying his wealth and not noticing that there was a beggar, Lazarus, at his gate.  Some of us who live in Toronto find it hard to get out of our gates without stepping on at least one beggar, but apparently Dives had a back door.  So anyway, he lived a comfortable life and enjoyed all his Goodies, and then he died.  And, as the communists always tell us they will, he went to Hell; Lazarus, naturally, went to heaven and never the twain shall meet.  That is an indication, say the communists, that You'll Get Yours.  If not in this life, in the next, and you'll see the people who Got Theirs, that you hate, getting stiffed in the next world.
 
However, this is not what the story of Dives and Lazarus is about.  Dives' sin was not enjoying his wealth while someone else had none.  His sin was that he did not extend hospitality to a brother.
 
In the deserts where this lot lived, Hospitality was literally the difference between life and death.  That is, if a caravan wound its way to your door, much less a single beggar, and you did not share with them, it was pretty likely that the stranger or the beggar would perish. So everyone as in pioneer days shared what they had with the full expectation that (1) the visitor would not rip them off and (2) would reciprocate when someone else came to his door.  Unlike today, where people feel entitled to everything others have simply because they themselves lack it, and thus justify hitting them over the head and taking it away, a breach of hospitality was in those days punishable by death.  Not only because the guy you ripped off would be justifiably angry and want his stuff back, but because you do that often enough and the next guy down the pike is going to pay the price when he asks hospitality and gets the answer that the last time he tried it, he got ripped off, so no thanks and move along.
 
This is the problem with beggars, too.  When one town passes a law that moves beggars out, for example the Squeegee Kid Law that moved them out of Toronto, they move to a town with more lenience and pretty soon your town looks a lot like Calcutta.  The more hospitality you give them, the more they congregate, just like cats or birds who know who puts out the food.  So while it is necessary to practice hospitality, consideration must be given as to when, how and where, lest your doorstep become a stopping place for stray cats, birds and beggars.  This does not mean you ought not or cannot dispense hospitality.  You must do so because we're all in this together and sooner or later you'll be where that beggar is.
 
The Bible has nothing at all to say about whether wealth or poverty is the preferred lifestyle for humanity in general.  Don't listen to the communists who tell you that if you don't cough up here on Earth, you will be laughed at in the afterlife when you are forced to cough up and watch the beggars enjoying your stuff.  What it does say is that hospitality is a two way street, and you'd better be prepared for the day when you'll need yours and if you have been hospitable in your turn, you'll get yours.
 
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McCain Derangement Syndrome

Toronto (February 8, 2008) -- I receive the daily list of columns of interest from Town Hall every day, and today they were all variations on the theme of McCain Derangement Syndrome.    So I decided not to weigh in on that subject in that forum because I don't want to read through an avalanche of screaming, weeping, wailing, gnashnig of teeth, gloom and doom, by crybabies who would commit suicide if they could only stop crying long enough to find a rope to hang themselves.

For heaven's sake, people, if you don't get what you want the instant you want it, this is not the end of the world.  Yes, your Mommies taught you that the universe exists solely to make you Happy, and if you aren't Happy every nanosecond of your life, Somebody Is Gonna Pay Big Time.  But really, when you are old enough to go to school, shouldn't you be over this tantrum-throwing stage?

Aren't you, in fact, the same people who have been sneering at the Liberals for their Bush Derangement Syndrome for the past eight years?  Does it really matter that much whose ox is gored, or does it matter more that you can be just as childish and immature as they can?  Do you really think that if you scream, flail your arms and legs, and roll on a muddy floor -- if you hold your breath until you turn a beautiful gentian violet -- that Ronald Reagan will rise from the dead and knock the sword from John McCain's hand and sweep you onto his white horse and into the palace where you will live Happily Ever After?

We who have lived long enough to have been brought up by parents who thought thwarting their kids was good training for life outside our childhood bedrooms know how to take lemons and make lemonade out of them, rather than shrieking without letup for Koolade to be served to us in crystal goblets while we sit on our thrones and wave our pugdy little hands.  While we may be intransigent in the matter of not supporting Tony George's IRL or the pitiful excuse for a Toronto hockey team, we also understand that abandoning a racing series or a sports team is somewhat less serious than spending the next eight years shrieking because the President of the Only Superpower In The World isn't your chosen Da-da.

Would you people please get your priorities straight?  Life's too short for eight years of McCain Derangement Syndrome.  And in the alternative, for you to sit in the ruins of an exploded and burning Daycare Centre, watching Obama Feel Your Pain as another one blows up three miles away, and muttering through your sobs, "Well at least I didn't vote for McCain...."
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Any Answer but Death

Toronto (January 31, 2008) -- This morning's Toronto Sun has a full page photo of a beautiful, mixed-race 8 month old baby girl and the caption "Who Left This Baby Girl To Freeze?"  Yesterday this sweet baby was abandoned in the stairwell of a parking garage; security video shows a man leaving her face down about 2 hours before she was found in subzero temperatures -- by a woman who mistook her for a doll until she whimpered.  Today the hunt is on to find out where this baby came from and who the man was who dumped her in a place where, it is clear, he was more concerned that perhaps he would not be seen, than that she would be found.

And as you might expect, the telephone lines are lighting up with hundreds of calls from people who want this little girl.  You might also expect, and be right, that the majority of these calls are coming from pro-life Christians, the same people who would have been at the door of the mother of this baby (who will probably turn out to be a teenager) with aid, comfort, advice and care if only, like her baby girl, she had whimpered.

My guess, from long, sad experience, is that the man who dumped this baby will prove to be the "babydaddy", an older guy who persuaded the teenaged mother of his child that unless she got rid of the brat, he would leave her, and because YouHaveToHaveAManOrYouWill Die, he talked her into letting him dispose of the inconvenience somewhere that wouldn't be tracked back to her.

And equally sad is the thought that, if they do identify the mother, they will make every effort to slam this baby back at her and congratulate themselves on "reuniting a Family."  The next time the babydaddy will make sure the baby never boomerangs back to them...with her death.

In a culture that urges girls to believe that they have to have sex every day or they'll die, that they are nothing without a man, and that babies are merely an inconvenient byproduct that is bound to ruin their lives, most babies like this one don't even live to see the light of their first day.  But of those who do, I fear that the ones who are inspired by movies like "Juno" to believe that having a baby and handing it off to someone else is Cool, and then find out after they have the baby that it's not that easy and not Cool at all, will more and more often resort to simply dumping their little anchor anywhere so they can be Free...and doing it at the urging of the man who sees his child as only an impediment, a garnishment on his salary and a competitor with the babymama who wants to be fed, changed and cared for when he wants instant sex.

There has to be another answer.  Can't we bring back orphanages, where babies unwanted by the person who gave birth to them could at least be left in a basket on a doorstep with no questions asked, taken in and cared for until one of the hundreds of waiting parents can take it home?

We do this for unwanted cats, dogs, rabbits, pythons and rats.  Can't we make it possible for unwanted children to have an answer other than death?
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The problem with Choice

January 28, 2008 -- Hippies and Liberals are very big on Choice, or at least very big on talking about Choice.  The problem with Choice that they hate knowing that one day you have to quit standing at the fork in the road and set your foot on either one path or the other. And that means you must relinquish your trip on the other path.

Liberals and Hippies hate the whole idea of "Choose ye this day whom you will serve." They want Choice, but they don't want to Choose. So they stand there at the fork in the road waiting for somebody else to magically make it possible to have their cake and eat it too...and crying loudly when making a Choice means you get one thing but not the other. If you spend your allowance on candy, you cannot spend it on batteries for your iPod. If you spend 15 minutes taking a shower, you cannot spend that 15 minutes Instant Messaging your Main Squeeze. If you spend your paycheque on car payments, you cannot spend it on rent. If you take off work two hours early to watch Susie's ballet recital, you cannot spend that time preparing your client for tomorrow's court date.

And if you vote for a Black candidate because he is Black, you cannot vote for a White woman because she is a Woman. (Void in Chicago, of course, or if you are dead.)

Hippies want Choice, but they refuse to believe that the day will ever arrive, and indeed is actually here, that they actually have to Choose.
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Pondering 60

January 23, 2008 -- Next month I turn 60 (right after my sister turns 58 and a few months before my foster sister turns 60).  I barely remember turning 50; i had just arrived in Canada and was far too busy to consider the implications of a half-century of life behind me.  In the past when Nought Birthdays arrived, I was inclined to obsess about how many things I had yet to accomplish and how short the time was growing.  Not so with this birthday.  In point of fact I have accomplished everything in life that I set out to accomplish, so it's all gravy from here on in!

Yes, that does sound as if perhaps I set my goals too low.  Nevertheless, it happens to be the truth.

My main goals in life were set on first reading Eloise by Kay Thompson, sometime in the 1950s, and Auntie Mame not long after that.  "I am a City Child," said Eloise as she walked into the Plaza Hotel in downtown New York City, past the doorman.  Although I lived on the outskirts of New York, I knew I wanted to grow up to be a City Child.  ("New York is where I want to stay! I get allergic smelling hay!  I just adore a penthouse view...")  I wanted to live in a high rise building in a city that never slept, not drive a car (well, when young I wanted to have a sports car that I could race), and get into a job that was recession-proof, portable, and didn't require math.  And once I was settled in that, i wanted to travel.  My family always travelled -- from weekends to two-week sojourns; I learned quite young to sleep wherever I was told to sleep, sit still, be quiet and exercise patience in a crowded vehicle, and look upon a hotel room without parents (they were next door) and with access to a swimming pool as the height of luxury.  Travel waited for no time, tide or financial windfall; it only wanted Daddy coming home and shouting, "Pack the car!  We're going to Duquesne!"  So when I finally earned enough money to start travelling, I was able to do it on the cheap and enjoy it. (Once I returned from England with 12 cents.)  I am on my fourth passport and counting; when I took my sister to England for her first trip, a taxi driver asked if this was my first trip to England and I told him that actually it was my fifteenth.  I have been there more than 20 times now.  I have also been to Holland, Portugual, Spain, France (only to the 24 Hours of Le Mans: 6 times), Switzerland, Greece, Turkey, Italy, Morroco, Tunisia, Gibraltar, Guinea, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Antarctica, Peru, Mexico, Australia (twice), New Zealand, Switzerland and Nepal.  AND 42 of the 50 states including Alaska but not Hawaii.  I have lived in various cities in high-rises ranging from vertical slums to luxury I could barely afford; currently I live in a nice high rise near a large park.  The last car I owned was a 1974 Ford Gran Torino painted in Stasky & Hutch style; the last vehicle I owned was a motorcycle of similar vintage.  I have done motocross (and have the scars to prove it) and have taken a turn round Brands Hatch as a passenger with a Mexican open wheel driver.  I have climbed Ayers Rock in Australia, been interviewed by the newspapers (twice) and on a radio show.  I have written for publication and once had my own fan club (I happen to have the same name as a Doctor Who character and during my Doctor Who phase I wrote lots of fiction.)  I have interviewed scores of famous racing drivers, and got the last interview with James Weaver that he gave, the day before he announced his retirement.   I nearly slapped Jacques Villeneuve in the paddock at Monza (Its a long story) and congratulated Jean Alesi at Silverstone for a fifth place in Montreal in a Prost, which was one mile an hour faster than a brick in less experienced hands.  I was there when the German and Italian press booed Michael Schumacher for his disgraceful behaviour at the Austrian Grand Prix, and heard a German journalist ask him, "Do you want to win the championship because you are the best driver or because you have the best lawyers?" a question he did not answer.  I attended the first press conference in CART that Alex Zanardi gave after he lost both legs in an oval race in Germany in 2001.

I was snowed into my office in Buffalo NY for three days during the Blizzard of '77; I was in an earthquake in California and had forest fires come so close to where I lived that the traffic lights turned blue; I was on choir tour in the South in the aftermath of the assassination of Dr. King, and saw first hand how thin the veneer of civilization runs.  I was evacuated in a motorboat from Hurricane Hazel, along with my sisters (none of us older than 5).  Bob Hope gave the commencement address at my university.  I was at Fontana when Greg Moore was killed. ( I spoke to him the day before and we laughed about the fact that a girl could come from Canada to an American race and the only people giving autographs were the Canadians.) 

Are there things I would like to do that are yet undone?  You bet.  I would love to attend the Monaco Grand Prix and I mean to do it first class when I go; I want to take the Orient Express; and I yearn to meet face to face with Alain Prost some day.

And if I ever get enough money to go to Singapore just for a couple of days,  I want to stay at the Raffles Hotel, see the Cricket Club, and see the billiard room where the gentleman shot the tiger.

I probably have another 15 to 20 years to accomplish those few goals. And now nobody will expect me to "settle down" and buy property and get married.  Instead, their prayer for me will be the same as it has probably been since I turned 25.  "I pray to God she doesn't break her neck."
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Change for Why?

TORONTO (January 15, 2008) -- I don't know if January has Ides or not, but if it does, today is the Ides of January and the Michigan Primary which is one more reason to Beware.  (Incidentally, has anyone noticed that Super Tuesday and Mardi Gras are the same day this year?  Things that make you go hmmmmm.)

My subject today is "Change."  No, not the change that the vast hordes of homeless drunks, squeegee kids  and mental patients who are turning Toronto into Calcutta ask me for every time I walk out of my apartment, although that kind of change usually comes into it somewhere.  The kind of Change that political wannabees are always harping on. 

Now, I may be reaching the Curmudgeon Age when things are pretty much the way I like them and the whole idea of having to re-do my whole life just Because has become a wasteful and tedious exercise.  But remember that the average age in North America now is 40.  Not 4 or 14 or even 24.  It's FORTY.  And except for the few men going through the Terrible Twos for the third time, the 100 million or so of us included in the Baby Boom are really not all that interested in Change anymore. 

We women have endured the Sixties, when about 1% of us actually looked good in streetwalker chic and a lot more of us, looking at the photos of us, can't even admit that was us in the first place.  Nowadays we live in classic clothing that fits us and whatever schmattas the latest gay designer decrees Women Will Wear can be safely consigned to the rubbish heap where most of them belong.  ("I wouldn't," says my next sister, "wash my car with that.")

We spent some quality time amassing a collection of cassettes, only to have to re-amass CDs when casettes became So Yesterday; and then came the stupid iPod which is something you can't just buy -- you have to go on line (I hear a lot of people in the upper age brackets saying STOP RIGHT THERE, SISTER!) and actually look for the music you might want, risking contamination by spyware and other rubbish in the process, and download it into this gadget that will be obsolete before you get it full of what you want to hear...but not before some young Victim of Exclusion (as thugs are called here in Kanukistan) hits you over the head and takes it away from you.  VOEs don't want CD players; those aer So Yesterday, maaaaaaan; far less do they want Walkmen.  Govern yourself accordingly.

Our antique (2001) cell phones make and receive calls, which is all we ever wanted from a phone; nevertheless, we receive countless enticing bombardments begging us to "upgrade" to a phone that is so complicated that we can't figure out how to make calls on it, much less do any of the other stuff it does, even if we could see the weeny keys or the ittybitty screens.

Likewise with our politics.  Those of us older women who have male chums in the 25-30 age bracket are used to spending an afternoon or evening listening to said chum expound his latest great idea for saving the planet, and then gently informing him that (1) somebody thought of that in 1649 (2) and it didn't work then either.  I am beginning to feel that way when I listen to candidate after candidate expound and present as "change" something we have already tried and thrown out the door on the scrap heap of history (this was before recycling.)  Listening to Mrs. Clinton try to present as new the system Sweden (and Canada) is currently heaving overboard before its entire country collapses is just one example.  John McCain expounding the policies of Gerald Ford is another.  (Remember those WIN buttons?)  And forgive me for bringing this up, but any day I expect Obama to bring out some failed Carter policy and brand it the Moral Equivalent of War (which was sunk by its acronym when somebody realized that MEOW was hardly a call to action.)  I just cannot get excited about "change" that is only jumping into the Wayback Machine and trying something that did not work the first time or is not working now somewhere close enough to the Pol so he or she could step over and take a good close look at it and decide if this really is what she wants.

I am waiting for someone to start talking up the idea Neal Boortz has suggested: the Tenth Amendment Council, which would inspect each and every FedGov program and decide whether or not it passes the Tenth Amendment test; and if not, delete it instanter.  For example, there is no emanation or penumbra in the Constitution or its amendments that gives the FedGov the right to educate children, declare that airlines cannot allow smoking on board, or require hospitals to provide abortions (or anybody else, for that matter.)  Pick any ten FedGov bureaus, councils or Round Tables and you will find that none of them are in fact going to pass the Tenth Amendment Smell Test.  Now that would be my idea of Change.

But as for all the other Change, from Windows Vista to Universal Preschool, you can bundle it all up and shove it down the chute.  Been there, seen that, don't need it, happy with what I have.

And no, I have no "spare change"  either.  Get a job.
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Brighten the Corner Where You Are

January 2, 2008 -- This year I will turn 60 and it occurred to me last night that if I won the $30 million up for grabs in the lotto (probably won by someone who owned a convenience store that sells lotto tickets, if history repeats) I would be able to spend $1 million per year and probably not live long enough to spend it all.  I am also in the delicious position of possessing department store gift cards and not needing anything.  This is something that I used to resolve to achieve, and again I have reached a goal.

Lotto win or not, I am reminded of the old Baptist Bible School hymn, "Brighten the Corner Where You Are", which urges us not to make grandiose plans for what we would do for Mankind if we won $30 million, but rather to consider what we can do for someone we can see from where we sit.  We had a church service on New Years Day and four women spoke to me spontaneously -- after a long campaign (since November 2006) of banging on the door and complaining about the fact that nobody ever spoke to me.  This cost them nothing and was a wonderful refreshment to me that allowed me to overlook the two drivers who swerved deliberately when passing the bus stop to spray us all with dirty, slushy snow.  In the afternoon I got an e-mail from my sister with a list of Cat Who books she had found at the second-hand store and was sending me for my birthday; that made my day bright enough so I wrote encouraging notes to of my elderly, lonely aunties and sent photos of our Christmas to brighten up their day, passing along the sunshine.

Finally, I heard someone on a chat show who had resolved to stop every hour and be thankful for something that had gone or was going right, instead of focusing on the three or four things that went wrong.  That reminded me of my charitable Sainted Southern Granny, who always tried to find something good to say about even the blackest of blaggards.  "Well," she might finally conclude, "he's a nice LOOKING man..."  Later in the evening I saw Ron Paul on with Glen Beck and although I cannot say he is a handsome man, nor that he has a pleasant voice nor graceful gestures, I concluded that I could say with sincerity that a lot of really insane people had attributed things to him that he found just as insane as I did, and he had the courage to disavow them in no uncertain terms although Mr. Beck pointed out that the loonies were already saying that Dr. Paul was BOUND to say that because otherwise Mr. Beck would call him crazy too and Dr. Paul was flummoxed for a way to reply.  Nevertheless, he did reply, and so allow me to concede that perhaps he is not quite as crazy as I thought he was.

I am not making resolutions because I have met all my goals and am finally old enough to be a crank and be forgiven for it.  But I am going to try this year to brighten the corner where I am , to light a candle rather than curse the darkness, and to cheer the lonely and speak to the grumpy ... and to find something good to say about lunatics even if it is only that they are not as crazy as they look.  (On the other hand, as someone remarked in a Doctor Who episode once, "NOBODY could be as crazy as HE looks!")

Try it yourself and see if you like it.  Happy 2008.
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Dear Santa

December 27, 2007 -- Dear Santa, I hope you are well and Mrs. Claus is too.  I am sure she is cleaning up and complaining about all this work just like our Mommy is.

I liked the things you brought, I really did, and so did my little brother.  But Daddy can't understand why I like the flashlight Grandpa got me better than the $400.00 VSmile Baby you brought.  I had a wonderful day shining my flashlight down Grandpa's throat, into the fireplace, on the ceiling, and under my bed.  Auntie showed me a neat game